Monday, March 07, 2005

We're baaaacckkkk

Well the retreat is over and Great Fun was had by all. The games were all cool and we even had to postpone Jason's Fourth Age game till this Tuesday because he had so much fun with all the others. In Aaron's Fung Shue game Jeff's character could only speak one phrase of English (which it turned out in the end was "Cooper County Sheriff! Get down on the floor" in honor of Garrett's character in Aaron's game last year) and the rest of the time he had to use these printed out "sub-titles" to speak to us. Brand's game was a zombie fest at Six Flags and Jack's was a troop of boy scouts who got zapped over into a fairy tale while camping outside Cincinatti.

I heard a remark in passing from Garrett the other day about Lorie and the guy she's dating now so I guess that door is finally closed. For the longest time I figured if I gave her room and was nice enough she'd start dating me again but I guess the chemistry just wasn't there. Story of my life actually, so nothing new. But it would be nice to have something work out once in awhile.

Things with Matthew aren't very good right now. Jon called last week to ask me if he could come stay with me. I was pretty negative on the idea initially and it probably sounded like I was pitching out excuses right and left to avoid it. What would he do during the day when I was at work (and would my house be standing when I got home)? How could I help him with all the behavior problems he has? I asked my doctor friends for some opinions and they weren't too helpful (how could they be when they didn't have anything like a complete history and hadn't seen Matt in person so I don't fault them and am very grateful for their help) but mostly agreed that moving in with me probably wouldn't help a great deal.

I began, however, to emotionally work through my issues with the idea. I got past the "it's not my fault/problem" and into the "it's not their fault, Matt's not their son" and it's certainly not Matt's fault (while some of the things he does ARE his fault he's only 13). I'm fairly certain my sister had no desire to die of a brain tumor and leave her children motherless. Which means it's not really anyone's fault so that issue got set aside.

And I always do right by my family, at least I like to think so. So I knew I would eventually decide to do the right thing (although I'm still not certain what that is). Giving them a break and a chance to be a non-broken family would be the right thing for them, I'm not trained to know what the right thing for Matt is.

I sat at the restaurant on Saturday night (at the retreat) looking at all my friends who are all happily married. Noticing the pretty waitresses (some of whom were married too) and being melancholy about my life and my aloneness (female-wise). But overall I've spent an awful lot of my life pining like this so I really should get over it. Then of course I find out that things really are done with Lorie so that doesn't help.

But I feel better today, about helping with Matt and life in general. Being depressed really just takes too much energy from me anymore so I don't think I will be.


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